Happy New (school) Year

A lot has happened since May.
I'm not posting my weight, not because it hasn't changed, but rather because it is making dramatic changes and I want to surprise family at holiday time. (more explaination below)

I've tested out a couple different venues, and am beginning to find my own path (though I'm keeping an open mind on possibilities).
My foray into administration was not successful, and I discover that I am not really ambitious to pursue that road anyway. So I'm still in the classroom this year - so far I'm slated to teach a 1/2 combination, but we will see what happens the first day of school. Kids are still enrolling.

I have not yet stepped into the theater relm, though we are going to see more productions now. I was kind of waiting to see where I landed for this school year before getting involved with any particular production group. I'm keeping that option open for now.

My health as been a major focus for this summer. After returning from Europe, I went to Eisenhower Medical Center for their diabetes training. Did the job of scaring me good and getting me on track. I was given a 1200 calorie diet to get my weight down - which caused me a weekend of raging, but I got my act together and have been good about watching what I eat. I also learned about carb levels, balancing them with protein - and how to make my meals effective. I now have my blood sugar under control and the weight it coming off quite satisfactorily. I can even indulge in goodies now and then (like chocolate cake tonite :D - and my blood sugar level is still in the ok range). I have more energy now and the other day I noticed I can do a couple things more comfortably then I had in the past. I still have a long ways to go, but I'm noticing the difference. The scale is giving me great news - numbers I haven't seen in years.
I am even discovering that I have it in me to be a clothes horse. I'm making notes on outfits I want to make and designs I want to work on. I'm discovering a hidden interest. (more on interests later)
I have had a minor surgery on my foot and had the other eye cataract removed. All of which have had me on a health care regime of medicines and self care practices so I've had to stay focused on taking care of myself. I've been spending a lot of time on me this summer - kind of different, and refreshing.

I've been thinking alot about what it is that I am really interested in. As I explore what personal directions I'd like to go in my life, I find that I like too many things. I can easily get interested in just about any activity or hobby other people have, and there just isn't time to pursue them all. There isn't even time to pursue all the things I am personally interested in. I find that I need to sort out what is really my individual interests and what is just a passing fancy. Like painting. I thought I was really interested in learning to paint. I have some ideas in mind for some great paintings I'd like to do. But I have canvass, brushes and paints - and I'm not painting. I've dabbled in a few things, but have not really gotten into it. Partly because I don't know what I'm doing. Maybe I need to take a class to get this thing going? Or maybe this is an area that isn't really me. I like art, I appreciate art - but maybe it isn't me to create art. (I'll still plan on taking a class to explore this area though)
And film. I have enjoyed making some films in the past, but now that I have a decent video camera of my own and software on my computer - I'm not doing anything with it. I watch Nick in his production work and think that is the kind of thing I ought to be doing.... but I'm not. I find right now that I need to push myself into doing it. So does that mean it isn't a real interest of mine. Maybe (I'm not getting rid of the camera, I'm still considering opportunties to make films that will suit my purposes)
I wonder if I am a chameleon. I adapt and mimic those around me, without knowing what is really me. I've been thinking about what kinds of things I have been interested in that I have not seen others around me do. Like my lacemaking and historical skills (weaving, spinning, etc...) Those I pursued on my own, but have had to put aside because of time constraints of raising a family and working full time. (or were those excuses?)
I've picked up the tatting again and materials for other lacemaking. I need to make time for these things in my life, so am finding venues for expressing them.
I guess that is really the key to determining my real interests, finding the way to express them for myself.
Which actually fullfills part of what this blog was originally about - developing my creative side.
What I am trying to do now as I come across various tasks, is to ask myself -- how can I do this using my other interests, talents or skills -- how can I make this a way to express myself.

I'm rearranging the furniture in my classroom. Trying to set it up more efficiently. Trying to cull the junk and use the storage more effectively. One of my projects is bulletin boards. I decided that instead of punching letters out of construction paper, or printing signs off the computer, I will try making some of the labels more interesting. I picked up some perky scrapbook papers and will try using those for some of the letters. I'll need to back them with black construction paper and laminate them so they will last. Maybe I'll get carried away and use some of the scrapbook paper to make the kids' name tags too........ this could get interesting. I'm also thinking of a film to make for math class. Do I have time to put together a film for back to school night???? (an animation????)
This could be a really fun year. :D

Back on track

Oh my gosh - the scale said 215 this morning.
That was after breakfast, and it's not even fast Sunday!!

I've been too weary to do the treadmill all week, though I did put in 30 minutes Saturday morning.

Report:
Last Monday and Tuesday nights I stayed up late looking up Theater information. I ordered my stage make up book from college (my copy had been lent out and never returned). I check out Ben Nye's new line of make up (almost ordered a student kit, but resisted)
I checked out plays going on this summer in surrounding areas, I also checked out the Desert Theater League organization.
I stayed awake late thinking about getting back into theater. It has been a while since something like this has stirred me.
So consequently 2 mornings in a row, I was exhausted and my legs hurt (??) I had to nap after school for a couple days and sleep in on Saturday in order to recover. I've been resisting looking up more theater information for awhile. I need to wait for the 3 day weekend.
In the meantime, my make up book has been shipped and should show up any day now..........
I know the gal who was hired to be the new drama teacher at the new high school. I'm thinking of contacting her and volunteering so I can get my hand back in the pie.
Ohhhhhh, do I really need one my thing on my plate?????
In other news, I rearranged my living room. It now looks like a living room. I have a seating area and a dining area. The furniture is early college student "make do", but it is progress. When Todd finally picks up his stuff (warning: It goes to DI in the fall if not rescued), I plan to buy my own real grown up furniture. It's kind of nice to see how the furniture fits in the room, so as I plan my purchases I know my limitations. I am looking for a nice dining table first! David you don't need to be embarressed to bring friends over to our house anymore. We will look civilized soon.

oh no! not publicly publishing the number I saw this morning on the scale!
what is going on??????
No treadmill this morning - slept in a couple of moments before getting ready for seminary pickup.
I'm babysitting in seminary tomorrow, so no treadmill again.
I'm afraid to see what the scale is going to show.

report: The kids were pretty wild today. I was on the edge trying to keep them under control all day. Tomorrow is going to be kind of crazy as we finish up some final projects for mother's day.
I'm at the point where I am starting to reflect on what I want to do differently next year. Problem is I don't know where I will be next year. We got the news this morning that we expect to downsize by 6 teachers next year - so I may well be put in another grade level, or even still possibly be picked up for the new middle school. I guess that will help me not spend too much time this summer planning for school. I'll actually get a vacation.
My projects on the list so far: My health, my house, family history book project for Christmas, and finish some of the projects that have been sitting here undone for years. Oh and 2 weeks of travel overseas. That should keep me busy for 10 weeks.

set back and intrigue

arghhhh!
219 this morning
(shouldn't have had that extra serving of Jambalya, or maybe it was the strawberry shortcake --- no no no, it's gotta be a hormonal flux, beginning of the month and all, arghhh!)

But good on the treadmill. 30 minutes this morning and an additional 30 after school
(can't do it tomorrow morning, I have seminary pickup duty)

A set back, but I don't feel like its a set back -- so no backsliding yet.... (don't say yet, bad precident)

Report: Something interesting has come up at work at the last minute today. I can't go into all the details, but it has to do with a group of somewhat disident (sp?) teachers who are putting together a complaint to the superintendent about their feelings that a hostile environment exists at the school site. I don't know what they are experiencing, but they are going about it in a cloak and dagger kind of way, but there was a leak of information -- so now a suspicious hostility has been created causing some hard feelings and devisivness. It'll be interesting to see how this plays out. Sometimes the adults are worse than the kids.

Reflection on a crisis

weight this morning 216 - yeah!!!
(I saw 215 after fasting this Sunday :D )
Treadmill - did 25 minutes, I started late and had to end a touch early so I wouldn't be late for work.
I did do the treadmill for 40 minutes and yardwork yesterday - so got a good workout.

Today's report - a reflection.
I've been feeling rather conflicted lately. Lost, confused, not sure what I want to do with myself, not sure why I feel like I have to do anything with myself. I feel a drive to make something happen, but don't know what.
I've felt a stab of jealousy toward my daughter??!! That surprised me!
I'm extremely greatful we have a terrific relationship. And what's more she has said so too.
I feel a need for a change of some kind.
After several days (weeks?)of this it dawned on me that I am having a mid-life crisis. It's the kind of feeling alot of young people have after graduating high school. Not sure what to do next, how to do it, etc.... I was lucky after high school. I knew exactly what I wanted to do and how to go about it. I moved along pretty well until my Junior year of college. That is when I freaked and realized I wasn't going in the right direction and had to pause to think about things. I went back home and got married - which defined my life for the next 30 years.

So it's been 30 years and the last baby is almost grown. Now what?

I can't quit my job - I'm too close to a great retirement package. I can't leave the area for the same reason. I don't really want to start anything big and new right now, I'm so overwhelmed and busy as it is.
I have been feeling unaccomplished.
So I did what I usually do when conflicting feelings get to me - I made some lists.
I listed skills I have - like cooking, sewing, teaching, etc... I came up with a satisfactory list. I realized that there are a lot of things I can do, that I just don't do for whatever reason.
I then connected these things together under some specific personal goals - like getting my appearance and health where I want them to be. I realized I have the skills to do that.
I also realized that I have a couple very clear wants that I can begin working on right now.

I like the idea of working on something that will have tangible, permanent and final results.
The problem with being a homemake, teacher, mother, etc.... is that the job is never done. The bulk of my days have been spent doing the same tasks over and over again, with the results being hard to see (even in teaching - the kids leave for the next grade and I get a new batch. I don't get to see long term the affects of my efforts).

It was liberating somewhat to see that there are some specific things I really want to accomplish, and that I have the talents/skills to work on them. For the sake of full disclosure the 4 main desires I came up with are:
1. I want to improve my health and appearance
2. I want to improve the appearance of my home.
3. I want to make a contribution to society.
4. I want a creative outlet to express myself.

I added to the bottom of my skills and can do list, things that I would like to learn to do. I can see clearly that most of those are in the creative expression area. I guess I feel a real need for a creative outlet. Not surprising as this was one of the original goals of this blog for this year. I'm also starting to see a 5th desire I need to add to the list.

5. I want to interact socially more with those around me.

As I googled female midlife crisis, it appears that there are alot of women who redefine or reinvent themselves at this time (I like the word "reinvent" - feels like a fun challenge). I think my reinvention will come in how I finally decide to make my contribution to society (yes, yes, I know that teaching is a contribution - but it's my job. I am ready for an altruistic contribution, of sorts). I'm not ready yet to announce what that passion will be yet. In the meantime I am comfortable with working on my body and home (and social outreach).

So I'm really not doing anything terribly new, but I feel like I have some sense of direction now.
I still have a busy schedule, but as retirement moves closer I can consider moving into phase 2 which will include meeting more of desires 3 and 4. I can think of it as lower division and upper division goals. Like getting a college degree. I will get a Masters in being Me.

What I thought I saw

Been super busy lately - but that is facebook news.

You know how when you look at designs on fabric or curves in floor tile, sometimes you see pictures. And then when you go back to find them again, you can't see them anymore? Many times I have wanted to sketch what I see, so I can hold the picture of it in my memory. On the curtain in my bathroom, above my bathtub - there are fairies in big flowery bathing suits.... At least they used to be there. I can't find them anymore.

Yesterday I was sitting on the edge of my bed, looking over to my desk area - when I saw a very beautiful landscape on my file cabinet. I didn't move, but had Ronni bring me my sketch pad. I explained to her what I was seeing as I drew it, which made her laugh. I knew it was actually a collection of objects that created the design, but I wanted to capture it before it dissolved into mundane nothingness. The colors struck me as they constrasted agains the black and white surrounding them.

OK - this is my rough sketch (no colors):

This is another sketch of what it looks like with color added (the way I saw it - for the most part):

It was quite striking to me because the bulk of it was black and white. The bit of color in it really stood out. The center of the picure looked like two trees in fall follage against a yellow background -there was a dark green hedge that ran down the middle. The trees were distinctly black and white, with a shadow on their left sides that was a bit removed from the left edge - creating a shadow line kind of thing. The grass below was just a sketch, as was the unfinished tree and bush on the left side. On the right side was the beginnings of what was probably two more trees, but they were unfinished.

So why was Ronni laughing - what was it really?
Now bare in mind, I have a sever cataract in my right eye (operation set for April 20!), so my imagination is helped by the natural blurring of what I see at any distance. I knew there wasn't a landscape sitting on top of my file cabinet. On closer inspection...

It was a yellow scrubbing sponge - the kind with the green scouring bottom that was apparently curled up a bit to reveal the green along the edge I could see (yellow sky and green hedge). This was sitting on a piece of paper that had some lines and makings on it, creating the grass, side bush and side trees. The two main trees in the center were created by white shoe laces draped over the top. They had black writing down them that created the tree trunk shadows. The follage? This whole mess was sitting on top of a couple of homemade pink floral cards -- I guess my eye translated the pink to fall follage colors.

I think my landscape is much more attractive then the sponge and shoelace mess. After getting the rough draft sketch done, I cleaned up the mess. As a matter of fact, during conference broadcast today I managed to get my whole desk area straightened up. I even had a little time to work on a cross stitch project I started over 3 years ago.
It felt good to be productive today and not just running around putting out social fires.

World travel

It is confirmed, Ronni and I are going to Europe this summer. We will spend about 3 days in Paris, another somewhere in the French countryside, about 3 or so days in Switzerland, then on to Germany for about a week.
Kathy is going there to visit with her in-laws, so Loretta and Mom thought it would be fun to meet up with them over there. I heard about the trip and wanted to join in. I love travel, of course, but I really wanted Ronni to have the opportunity to go to France and hear the language spoken in its "natural" environment. I was thinking more like next summer, but since Loretta is planning a trip now, I'm happy to piggy back and use her freeby hotels and friends for lodging.
I was hoping to actually spend more time in Paris, but we can squeeze in the main attractions. We will spend a day in the Lourve, another day touring using the on/off tour busses (Loved those in Dublin and London). We plan to take sketch books and take pictures of ourselves drawing along the Seine and wherever.
I want to see if I can contact one of the wards or branches there ahead of time to see if there might be someone Ronni's age that can join us for a day or so. It would be so cool if she could get an LDS penpal in France. I hear that Anime is very popular there, so chances are good she can meet up with someone who has similar interests.
It has been ages since I have tried speaking French. I'll need to study up. Ronni will be our official interpreter.