Oh my gosh - the scale said 215 this morning.
That was after breakfast, and it's not even fast Sunday!!
I've been too weary to do the treadmill all week, though I did put in 30 minutes Saturday morning.
Report:
Last Monday and Tuesday nights I stayed up late looking up Theater information. I ordered my stage make up book from college (my copy had been lent out and never returned). I check out Ben Nye's new line of make up (almost ordered a student kit, but resisted)
I checked out plays going on this summer in surrounding areas, I also checked out the Desert Theater League organization.
I stayed awake late thinking about getting back into theater. It has been a while since something like this has stirred me.
So consequently 2 mornings in a row, I was exhausted and my legs hurt (??) I had to nap after school for a couple days and sleep in on Saturday in order to recover. I've been resisting looking up more theater information for awhile. I need to wait for the 3 day weekend.
In the meantime, my make up book has been shipped and should show up any day now..........
I know the gal who was hired to be the new drama teacher at the new high school. I'm thinking of contacting her and volunteering so I can get my hand back in the pie.
Ohhhhhh, do I really need one my thing on my plate?????
In other news, I rearranged my living room. It now looks like a living room. I have a seating area and a dining area. The furniture is early college student "make do", but it is progress. When Todd finally picks up his stuff (warning: It goes to DI in the fall if not rescued), I plan to buy my own real grown up furniture. It's kind of nice to see how the furniture fits in the room, so as I plan my purchases I know my limitations. I am looking for a nice dining table first! David you don't need to be embarressed to bring friends over to our house anymore. We will look civilized soon.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
oh no! not publicly publishing the number I saw this morning on the scale!
what is going on??????
No treadmill this morning - slept in a couple of moments before getting ready for seminary pickup.
I'm babysitting in seminary tomorrow, so no treadmill again.
I'm afraid to see what the scale is going to show.
report: The kids were pretty wild today. I was on the edge trying to keep them under control all day. Tomorrow is going to be kind of crazy as we finish up some final projects for mother's day.
I'm at the point where I am starting to reflect on what I want to do differently next year. Problem is I don't know where I will be next year. We got the news this morning that we expect to downsize by 6 teachers next year - so I may well be put in another grade level, or even still possibly be picked up for the new middle school. I guess that will help me not spend too much time this summer planning for school. I'll actually get a vacation.
My projects on the list so far: My health, my house, family history book project for Christmas, and finish some of the projects that have been sitting here undone for years. Oh and 2 weeks of travel overseas. That should keep me busy for 10 weeks.
what is going on??????
No treadmill this morning - slept in a couple of moments before getting ready for seminary pickup.
I'm babysitting in seminary tomorrow, so no treadmill again.
I'm afraid to see what the scale is going to show.
report: The kids were pretty wild today. I was on the edge trying to keep them under control all day. Tomorrow is going to be kind of crazy as we finish up some final projects for mother's day.
I'm at the point where I am starting to reflect on what I want to do differently next year. Problem is I don't know where I will be next year. We got the news this morning that we expect to downsize by 6 teachers next year - so I may well be put in another grade level, or even still possibly be picked up for the new middle school. I guess that will help me not spend too much time this summer planning for school. I'll actually get a vacation.
My projects on the list so far: My health, my house, family history book project for Christmas, and finish some of the projects that have been sitting here undone for years. Oh and 2 weeks of travel overseas. That should keep me busy for 10 weeks.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
set back and intrigue
arghhhh!
219 this morning
(shouldn't have had that extra serving of Jambalya, or maybe it was the strawberry shortcake --- no no no, it's gotta be a hormonal flux, beginning of the month and all, arghhh!)
But good on the treadmill. 30 minutes this morning and an additional 30 after school
(can't do it tomorrow morning, I have seminary pickup duty)
A set back, but I don't feel like its a set back -- so no backsliding yet.... (don't say yet, bad precident)
Report: Something interesting has come up at work at the last minute today. I can't go into all the details, but it has to do with a group of somewhat disident (sp?) teachers who are putting together a complaint to the superintendent about their feelings that a hostile environment exists at the school site. I don't know what they are experiencing, but they are going about it in a cloak and dagger kind of way, but there was a leak of information -- so now a suspicious hostility has been created causing some hard feelings and devisivness. It'll be interesting to see how this plays out. Sometimes the adults are worse than the kids.
219 this morning
(shouldn't have had that extra serving of Jambalya, or maybe it was the strawberry shortcake --- no no no, it's gotta be a hormonal flux, beginning of the month and all, arghhh!)
But good on the treadmill. 30 minutes this morning and an additional 30 after school
(can't do it tomorrow morning, I have seminary pickup duty)
A set back, but I don't feel like its a set back -- so no backsliding yet.... (don't say yet, bad precident)
Report: Something interesting has come up at work at the last minute today. I can't go into all the details, but it has to do with a group of somewhat disident (sp?) teachers who are putting together a complaint to the superintendent about their feelings that a hostile environment exists at the school site. I don't know what they are experiencing, but they are going about it in a cloak and dagger kind of way, but there was a leak of information -- so now a suspicious hostility has been created causing some hard feelings and devisivness. It'll be interesting to see how this plays out. Sometimes the adults are worse than the kids.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Reflection on a crisis
weight this morning 216 - yeah!!!
(I saw 215 after fasting this Sunday :D )
Treadmill - did 25 minutes, I started late and had to end a touch early so I wouldn't be late for work.
I did do the treadmill for 40 minutes and yardwork yesterday - so got a good workout.
Today's report - a reflection.
I've been feeling rather conflicted lately. Lost, confused, not sure what I want to do with myself, not sure why I feel like I have to do anything with myself. I feel a drive to make something happen, but don't know what.
I've felt a stab of jealousy toward my daughter??!! That surprised me!
I'm extremely greatful we have a terrific relationship. And what's more she has said so too.
I feel a need for a change of some kind.
After several days (weeks?)of this it dawned on me that I am having a mid-life crisis. It's the kind of feeling alot of young people have after graduating high school. Not sure what to do next, how to do it, etc.... I was lucky after high school. I knew exactly what I wanted to do and how to go about it. I moved along pretty well until my Junior year of college. That is when I freaked and realized I wasn't going in the right direction and had to pause to think about things. I went back home and got married - which defined my life for the next 30 years.
So it's been 30 years and the last baby is almost grown. Now what?
I can't quit my job - I'm too close to a great retirement package. I can't leave the area for the same reason. I don't really want to start anything big and new right now, I'm so overwhelmed and busy as it is.
I have been feeling unaccomplished.
So I did what I usually do when conflicting feelings get to me - I made some lists.
I listed skills I have - like cooking, sewing, teaching, etc... I came up with a satisfactory list. I realized that there are a lot of things I can do, that I just don't do for whatever reason.
I then connected these things together under some specific personal goals - like getting my appearance and health where I want them to be. I realized I have the skills to do that.
I also realized that I have a couple very clear wants that I can begin working on right now.
I like the idea of working on something that will have tangible, permanent and final results.
The problem with being a homemake, teacher, mother, etc.... is that the job is never done. The bulk of my days have been spent doing the same tasks over and over again, with the results being hard to see (even in teaching - the kids leave for the next grade and I get a new batch. I don't get to see long term the affects of my efforts).
It was liberating somewhat to see that there are some specific things I really want to accomplish, and that I have the talents/skills to work on them. For the sake of full disclosure the 4 main desires I came up with are:
1. I want to improve my health and appearance
2. I want to improve the appearance of my home.
3. I want to make a contribution to society.
4. I want a creative outlet to express myself.
I added to the bottom of my skills and can do list, things that I would like to learn to do. I can see clearly that most of those are in the creative expression area. I guess I feel a real need for a creative outlet. Not surprising as this was one of the original goals of this blog for this year. I'm also starting to see a 5th desire I need to add to the list.
5. I want to interact socially more with those around me.
As I googled female midlife crisis, it appears that there are alot of women who redefine or reinvent themselves at this time (I like the word "reinvent" - feels like a fun challenge). I think my reinvention will come in how I finally decide to make my contribution to society (yes, yes, I know that teaching is a contribution - but it's my job. I am ready for an altruistic contribution, of sorts). I'm not ready yet to announce what that passion will be yet. In the meantime I am comfortable with working on my body and home (and social outreach).
So I'm really not doing anything terribly new, but I feel like I have some sense of direction now.
I still have a busy schedule, but as retirement moves closer I can consider moving into phase 2 which will include meeting more of desires 3 and 4. I can think of it as lower division and upper division goals. Like getting a college degree. I will get a Masters in being Me.
(I saw 215 after fasting this Sunday :D )
Treadmill - did 25 minutes, I started late and had to end a touch early so I wouldn't be late for work.
I did do the treadmill for 40 minutes and yardwork yesterday - so got a good workout.
Today's report - a reflection.
I've been feeling rather conflicted lately. Lost, confused, not sure what I want to do with myself, not sure why I feel like I have to do anything with myself. I feel a drive to make something happen, but don't know what.
I've felt a stab of jealousy toward my daughter??!! That surprised me!
I'm extremely greatful we have a terrific relationship. And what's more she has said so too.
I feel a need for a change of some kind.
After several days (weeks?)of this it dawned on me that I am having a mid-life crisis. It's the kind of feeling alot of young people have after graduating high school. Not sure what to do next, how to do it, etc.... I was lucky after high school. I knew exactly what I wanted to do and how to go about it. I moved along pretty well until my Junior year of college. That is when I freaked and realized I wasn't going in the right direction and had to pause to think about things. I went back home and got married - which defined my life for the next 30 years.
So it's been 30 years and the last baby is almost grown. Now what?
I can't quit my job - I'm too close to a great retirement package. I can't leave the area for the same reason. I don't really want to start anything big and new right now, I'm so overwhelmed and busy as it is.
I have been feeling unaccomplished.
So I did what I usually do when conflicting feelings get to me - I made some lists.
I listed skills I have - like cooking, sewing, teaching, etc... I came up with a satisfactory list. I realized that there are a lot of things I can do, that I just don't do for whatever reason.
I then connected these things together under some specific personal goals - like getting my appearance and health where I want them to be. I realized I have the skills to do that.
I also realized that I have a couple very clear wants that I can begin working on right now.
I like the idea of working on something that will have tangible, permanent and final results.
The problem with being a homemake, teacher, mother, etc.... is that the job is never done. The bulk of my days have been spent doing the same tasks over and over again, with the results being hard to see (even in teaching - the kids leave for the next grade and I get a new batch. I don't get to see long term the affects of my efforts).
It was liberating somewhat to see that there are some specific things I really want to accomplish, and that I have the talents/skills to work on them. For the sake of full disclosure the 4 main desires I came up with are:
1. I want to improve my health and appearance
2. I want to improve the appearance of my home.
3. I want to make a contribution to society.
4. I want a creative outlet to express myself.
I added to the bottom of my skills and can do list, things that I would like to learn to do. I can see clearly that most of those are in the creative expression area. I guess I feel a real need for a creative outlet. Not surprising as this was one of the original goals of this blog for this year. I'm also starting to see a 5th desire I need to add to the list.
5. I want to interact socially more with those around me.
As I googled female midlife crisis, it appears that there are alot of women who redefine or reinvent themselves at this time (I like the word "reinvent" - feels like a fun challenge). I think my reinvention will come in how I finally decide to make my contribution to society (yes, yes, I know that teaching is a contribution - but it's my job. I am ready for an altruistic contribution, of sorts). I'm not ready yet to announce what that passion will be yet. In the meantime I am comfortable with working on my body and home (and social outreach).
So I'm really not doing anything terribly new, but I feel like I have some sense of direction now.
I still have a busy schedule, but as retirement moves closer I can consider moving into phase 2 which will include meeting more of desires 3 and 4. I can think of it as lower division and upper division goals. Like getting a college degree. I will get a Masters in being Me.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
What I thought I saw
Been super busy lately - but that is facebook news.
It was quite striking to me because the bulk of it was black and white. The bit of color in it really stood out. The center of the picure looked like two trees in fall follage against a yellow background -there was a dark green hedge that ran down the middle. The trees were distinctly black and white, with a shadow on their left sides that was a bit removed from the left edge - creating a shadow line kind of thing. The grass below was just a sketch, as was the unfinished tree and bush on the left side. On the right side was the beginnings of what was probably two more trees, but they were unfinished.
So why was Ronni laughing - what was it really?
Now bare in mind, I have a sever cataract in my right eye (operation set for April 20!), so my imagination is helped by the natural blurring of what I see at any distance. I knew there wasn't a landscape sitting on top of my file cabinet. On closer inspection...
It was a yellow scrubbing sponge - the kind with the green scouring bottom that was apparently curled up a bit to reveal the green along the edge I could see (yellow sky and green hedge). This was sitting on a piece of paper that had some lines and makings on it, creating the grass, side bush and side trees. The two main trees in the center were created by white shoe laces draped over the top. They had black writing down them that created the tree trunk shadows. The follage? This whole mess was sitting on top of a couple of homemade pink floral cards -- I guess my eye translated the pink to fall follage colors.
I think my landscape is much more attractive then the sponge and shoelace mess. After getting the rough draft sketch done, I cleaned up the mess. As a matter of fact, during conference broadcast today I managed to get my whole desk area straightened up. I even had a little time to work on a cross stitch project I started over 3 years ago.
It felt good to be productive today and not just running around putting out social fires.
You know how when you look at designs on fabric or curves in floor tile, sometimes you see pictures. And then when you go back to find them again, you can't see them anymore? Many times I have wanted to sketch what I see, so I can hold the picture of it in my memory. On the curtain in my bathroom, above my bathtub - there are fairies in big flowery bathing suits.... At least they used to be there. I can't find them anymore.
Yesterday I was sitting on the edge of my bed, looking over to my desk area - when I saw a very beautiful landscape on my file cabinet. I didn't move, but had Ronni bring me my sketch pad. I explained to her what I was seeing as I drew it, which made her laugh. I knew it was actually a collection of objects that created the design, but I wanted to capture it before it dissolved into mundane nothingness. The colors struck me as they constrasted agains the black and white surrounding them.
OK - this is my rough sketch (no colors):
This is another sketch of what it looks like with color added (the way I saw it - for the most part):
It was quite striking to me because the bulk of it was black and white. The bit of color in it really stood out. The center of the picure looked like two trees in fall follage against a yellow background -there was a dark green hedge that ran down the middle. The trees were distinctly black and white, with a shadow on their left sides that was a bit removed from the left edge - creating a shadow line kind of thing. The grass below was just a sketch, as was the unfinished tree and bush on the left side. On the right side was the beginnings of what was probably two more trees, but they were unfinished.
So why was Ronni laughing - what was it really?
Now bare in mind, I have a sever cataract in my right eye (operation set for April 20!), so my imagination is helped by the natural blurring of what I see at any distance. I knew there wasn't a landscape sitting on top of my file cabinet. On closer inspection...
It was a yellow scrubbing sponge - the kind with the green scouring bottom that was apparently curled up a bit to reveal the green along the edge I could see (yellow sky and green hedge). This was sitting on a piece of paper that had some lines and makings on it, creating the grass, side bush and side trees. The two main trees in the center were created by white shoe laces draped over the top. They had black writing down them that created the tree trunk shadows. The follage? This whole mess was sitting on top of a couple of homemade pink floral cards -- I guess my eye translated the pink to fall follage colors.
I think my landscape is much more attractive then the sponge and shoelace mess. After getting the rough draft sketch done, I cleaned up the mess. As a matter of fact, during conference broadcast today I managed to get my whole desk area straightened up. I even had a little time to work on a cross stitch project I started over 3 years ago.
It felt good to be productive today and not just running around putting out social fires.
Monday, March 30, 2009
World travel
It is confirmed, Ronni and I are going to Europe this summer. We will spend about 3 days in Paris, another somewhere in the French countryside, about 3 or so days in Switzerland, then on to Germany for about a week.
Kathy is going there to visit with her in-laws, so Loretta and Mom thought it would be fun to meet up with them over there. I heard about the trip and wanted to join in. I love travel, of course, but I really wanted Ronni to have the opportunity to go to France and hear the language spoken in its "natural" environment. I was thinking more like next summer, but since Loretta is planning a trip now, I'm happy to piggy back and use her freeby hotels and friends for lodging.
I was hoping to actually spend more time in Paris, but we can squeeze in the main attractions. We will spend a day in the Lourve, another day touring using the on/off tour busses (Loved those in Dublin and London). We plan to take sketch books and take pictures of ourselves drawing along the Seine and wherever.
I want to see if I can contact one of the wards or branches there ahead of time to see if there might be someone Ronni's age that can join us for a day or so. It would be so cool if she could get an LDS penpal in France. I hear that Anime is very popular there, so chances are good she can meet up with someone who has similar interests.
It has been ages since I have tried speaking French. I'll need to study up. Ronni will be our official interpreter.
Kathy is going there to visit with her in-laws, so Loretta and Mom thought it would be fun to meet up with them over there. I heard about the trip and wanted to join in. I love travel, of course, but I really wanted Ronni to have the opportunity to go to France and hear the language spoken in its "natural" environment. I was thinking more like next summer, but since Loretta is planning a trip now, I'm happy to piggy back and use her freeby hotels and friends for lodging.
I was hoping to actually spend more time in Paris, but we can squeeze in the main attractions. We will spend a day in the Lourve, another day touring using the on/off tour busses (Loved those in Dublin and London). We plan to take sketch books and take pictures of ourselves drawing along the Seine and wherever.
I want to see if I can contact one of the wards or branches there ahead of time to see if there might be someone Ronni's age that can join us for a day or so. It would be so cool if she could get an LDS penpal in France. I hear that Anime is very popular there, so chances are good she can meet up with someone who has similar interests.
It has been ages since I have tried speaking French. I'll need to study up. Ronni will be our official interpreter.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
breaking free - not
weight: 117 (good - even when I ate a couple cupcakes)
treadmill: yes, being good this week, 30 minutes everyday in the morning.
creativity goal: gotta decorate a cake for a Relief Society Activity
Observations:
Nick wrote a comment about wanting to vent and speak his mind, but he worried about offending people. I responded to him that I too would like to be able to do that. I've considered starting a blog, but keeping my identity secret - so I could say some things on my mind that I am not sure I want everyone on my facebook or myspace friends lists to know about. What is the point of venting if you are not listened to. A hidden identity reminds me of that proverbial tree that falls deep in the forest. Who knows or cares?
I know I care to hear about other people's issues. I care deeply about the concerns and worries of my children. Even when I am the issue that is bothering them (I try to reign myself in)
I think knowing about the real person inside - the pain, the insecurities, the "issues", helps us to really know each other well.
But a blog is a very impersonal environment.
I'm reminded of PostSecrets where people send in their secrets on a post card, which is then posted on a website for all the world to read. Annonymous sharing of deepest feelings.
Secrets - some are not really any big deal to others, so why do we hord them and hide them and let them fester in us?
Is keeping a public happy face necessary for the smooth functioning of society?
I'm not talking about the constant whining - that is annoying and probably bad for mental health. Where can one go to share without being judged or "counseled" - sometimes I don't want it fixed, I just want others to understand what I'm dealing with.
Sometimes I need a hug. I don't get hugs - that is one of my secrets. The cat gets cuddled more than I do. Dr. Temple Grandin, an autistic person, created a hug machine for herself because she realized the value of deep tissue pressure to help calm and sooth the muscles and nerves. Being autistic, she is hyper sensitive to touch - but was able to get the therapy she realized she needed via the squeeze machine.
I have a pillow I hug at night, and that helps. Once, years ago, during a deep depression period of time, I hugged a large stuff toy. I was amazed at how calming and soothing that felt. It really made a big difference to wrap my arms around it and feel the soft pressure on my upper torso and face. I remember sharing the sensation at a weight watcher's meeting. The gal who was the leader suggested I might have trouble loosing weight if I have this lack of emotional support.
Once, a couple years ago, a young man from the singles ward that I have worked with in the past, took my hand - and instead of shaking it, as is our custom, lifted it up and kissed the back of it. I was overwhelmed with intense emotions. It felt so good! I was feeling like a 50 year old fool, swooning over a young man. That made me realize how intensely empty my emotional well was. The next time I met that young man, I had to make a point of avoiding getting too close. I know that confused him because he was always friendly -- one of those taught to hug friends. I so wanted a hug, but didn't dare trust my emotions.
My oldest son has been come a goodbye hugger - very unusual for him compared to his youth, but a nice development. I rarely get to see him.
My second son has always been a hugger of sorts - but I see him even less.
No one else here shows affection. If I try to initiate a hug, they tolerate it (if I can catch them).
The cat will want to cuddle - meaning I'm allowed to pet and rub her. But she doesn't want me to pick her up at all.
So I am not hugged, one painful secret - part of my secret picture.
Report - I felt good about the cake I decorated for our Relief Society birthday. It came out nice. Only one slice was taken though, so I got to bring it home. I put raspberries in the center filling (chocolate icing), yum - I love raspberries in chocolate. Though I think I wasted my time fussing over making the cake and worrying about getting it right. The other cakes were either store bought or in a sheet pan. I could have saved a lot of effort.
treadmill: yes, being good this week, 30 minutes everyday in the morning.
creativity goal: gotta decorate a cake for a Relief Society Activity
Observations:
Nick wrote a comment about wanting to vent and speak his mind, but he worried about offending people. I responded to him that I too would like to be able to do that. I've considered starting a blog, but keeping my identity secret - so I could say some things on my mind that I am not sure I want everyone on my facebook or myspace friends lists to know about. What is the point of venting if you are not listened to. A hidden identity reminds me of that proverbial tree that falls deep in the forest. Who knows or cares?
I know I care to hear about other people's issues. I care deeply about the concerns and worries of my children. Even when I am the issue that is bothering them (I try to reign myself in)
I think knowing about the real person inside - the pain, the insecurities, the "issues", helps us to really know each other well.
But a blog is a very impersonal environment.
I'm reminded of PostSecrets where people send in their secrets on a post card, which is then posted on a website for all the world to read. Annonymous sharing of deepest feelings.
Secrets - some are not really any big deal to others, so why do we hord them and hide them and let them fester in us?
Is keeping a public happy face necessary for the smooth functioning of society?
I'm not talking about the constant whining - that is annoying and probably bad for mental health. Where can one go to share without being judged or "counseled" - sometimes I don't want it fixed, I just want others to understand what I'm dealing with.
Sometimes I need a hug. I don't get hugs - that is one of my secrets. The cat gets cuddled more than I do. Dr. Temple Grandin, an autistic person, created a hug machine for herself because she realized the value of deep tissue pressure to help calm and sooth the muscles and nerves. Being autistic, she is hyper sensitive to touch - but was able to get the therapy she realized she needed via the squeeze machine.
I have a pillow I hug at night, and that helps. Once, years ago, during a deep depression period of time, I hugged a large stuff toy. I was amazed at how calming and soothing that felt. It really made a big difference to wrap my arms around it and feel the soft pressure on my upper torso and face. I remember sharing the sensation at a weight watcher's meeting. The gal who was the leader suggested I might have trouble loosing weight if I have this lack of emotional support.
Once, a couple years ago, a young man from the singles ward that I have worked with in the past, took my hand - and instead of shaking it, as is our custom, lifted it up and kissed the back of it. I was overwhelmed with intense emotions. It felt so good! I was feeling like a 50 year old fool, swooning over a young man. That made me realize how intensely empty my emotional well was. The next time I met that young man, I had to make a point of avoiding getting too close. I know that confused him because he was always friendly -- one of those taught to hug friends. I so wanted a hug, but didn't dare trust my emotions.
My oldest son has been come a goodbye hugger - very unusual for him compared to his youth, but a nice development. I rarely get to see him.
My second son has always been a hugger of sorts - but I see him even less.
No one else here shows affection. If I try to initiate a hug, they tolerate it (if I can catch them).
The cat will want to cuddle - meaning I'm allowed to pet and rub her. But she doesn't want me to pick her up at all.
So I am not hugged, one painful secret - part of my secret picture.
Report - I felt good about the cake I decorated for our Relief Society birthday. It came out nice. Only one slice was taken though, so I got to bring it home. I put raspberries in the center filling (chocolate icing), yum - I love raspberries in chocolate. Though I think I wasted my time fussing over making the cake and worrying about getting it right. The other cakes were either store bought or in a sheet pan. I could have saved a lot of effort.
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