Little steps

aha- none today
regret- none today
accomplishments- I got up early, went to school and took care of what needed to be done to get through the day. I didn't have to go in over the holiday to work in my classroom. Maybe this should be my aha!
I did come home and take care of a couple little tasks - in the continuing saga of getting my home cleaned up and organized. I also got a fleece blanket tied off for Project Linus during Family Home Evening -- so I can be pleased with the use of my time today.
I guess I also got some classroom organizing done this afternoon while waiting for parents to show up for conferences.
Little steps each day get the journal taken.... that is my own saying.

Thanksgiving

This week's aha - I am capable of getting this house looking decent. (see accomplishment below). For the longest time I felt I was just inadequate in this area - but I'm realizing I've been held back by factors outside of me. If I push past those factors, I can do it. I also learned I need to plan in resting time. My body gets sick if I push it beyond what it is supposed to do. Not a fun lesson to learn.

This week's regret- not really a regret - but I didn't go into my classroom at all this week of vacation, so I'll be in a crunch tomorrow morning to get things done. I have parent teacher conferences to get ready for, a homework packet to put together and newsletter to print. It'll be a minimum day, and I have recess duty - so it'll be an early morning for me.

This week's accomplishment - I got a big chunk of house cleaning and decorating done. Actually it took me two holiday weekends to do it in - but I got the hallway painted (finished), I got a dumpster full of stuff from the garage hauled off (not the whole garage cleaned, but now there is room for the truck to park in there), took 2 loads of stuff in the truck to the thrift store trailer, had repair guys come can take care of a couple things, got my kitchen cabinet tops clean off of junk (including 2 inch thick dust) and then decorated the area, moved the computer out of the living room into it's own space elsewhere and then rearranged the living room so it now looks livable, and got Ronni's room clean out and decorated.
I'm on a count down to get this house in tip top shape for Christmas 2011 when I host my extended family here. I want to replace flooring and finish painting the rest of the house (and declutter/decorate). I know I'm starting early - but one of the factors that slows me down is my husband freaking out over my spending money on the house. I have to start early so I can spread it out comfortably for him. He got rather nervous over this last couple weeks. I'll have to be a little gentler on him.

I created a bit of a form yesterday which helps in writing today.
Today's accomplishment - I did not bring any school work home today, which means I actually got some little chores done around the house. I am working on finding a place for everything and putting stuff in it's place (or getting rid of it). It is a big chore for this house, and I won't say what I did to day is exceptionally noticeable - but it is progress. Also - I did a mile on the treadmill. :D
Today's Aha- My computer will fit on my treadmill so I can use it while I'm walking. It does take a long time to boot up however, so I'll have to work out the best way to utilize it.
Today's regret- I don't think the Reason for the Season plaques are quite as well made as I had hoped. The orange paint is very poorly. The pins aren't staying stuck to the plaque very well - though some of them are holding just fine. Oh well, it is the first time. I'll keep my eyes open this year for upgraded materials to improve them next year.
The last couple days in class have been much better - it is a chore though to keep these kids in line. I need to also work on keeping my high school working productively. She means to do well, but we do have some down times. She is a bit loud, but so am I - however, I find her a bit distracting sometimes.
We are watching the origianl version of the Italian Job - Michael Cane is in it. It is quite fun.

Form follows function

So much for daily writing. I really need a routine or formula so I will have something to get me started.
Today's Ahas - I'm not the only teacher having a rough year this year. Though actually I knew that, but it is nice to be reminded. It's not just me.
Today's regret - I have been hard on the class in order to get them under control. Some of the kids are really sweet and deserve better. (some need to be strung up by their thumbs I regret not being harder on those guys and gals).
Today's accomplishment - I took a babystep in being a little better organized in class. I also got some stuff done just in time. I finished a craft project. Actually it is one I'm rather proud of cause I came up with the idea all on my little own...... (the embarrasing side is that the idea flashed into my mind just before taking the sacrament at church. You'll see the conflict of interest...) It is a little orange plaque with the wording; The Reason for the Season. Below are 3 mini black clothespin clips holding small pieces of Halloween candy. I also decorated the plaque with black squiggles and a spider w/web in the corner. (there are also a couple little orange and black jewels on it.) I love it's quirky reference to the Christmas saying. It is designed to be a broach - though it is a little large.
The clothes pins are a little unstable and I'm not totally happy with the wood and paint I used. I will have to keep my eye out for other supplies to improve the design for next year. I wanted clips so that the candy can be eaten and then replaced next year for rewearing. I made one for each 1st grade teacher, so I will give it to them probably tomorrow. I am rather pleased with coming up with the idea on my own. So many times I see terrific cute ideas and wonder why I couldn't come up with it. (brainstorm - I could use miniature library clips/ clamps or whatever they are called. They could be attached by rings to the plaque. I'll have to play with that. I wonder if there is a Jewelry frame I could use instead of the wooden plaque. Something metal looking would be terrific. I'll keep thinking on it.

Time Flies....

My daughter was telling me about a story she heard in Seminary Class (or was it English class??). Apparently someone had done a study on Nuns and dementia. They specifically wanted to learn what affect journal writing had on these ladies. Turns out the ones who religiously wrote in their journals daily had a better mental capacity as they aged then the ones who skipped out on this chore. Most profoundly there was one nun who actually developed Alzheimer's disease, but because she kept her brain active, the brain developed alternate pathways to circumvent the diseased section. All this was learned after her death and autopsy. She appeared to all who observed her in life to lead a normal nun's life - the disease was not apparent. Here - found a link with information.
Interesting.
A motivating reason to be writing daily.
I found the Exploration activity quite invigorating -though short lived. I feel like I made some real positive changes in my life in the right direction, in spite of the challenges I faced.
I am now experiencing some new challenges which journal therapy might help me through again. I think I'll probably stream of conscience write for a little while until I hit upon the format to work with. I really liked the "reporting" I did in the Exploration set.
Let's start with an update.
Surgery this summer was somewhat dramatic. I went in the week after school ended. Had surgery, seemed to get through it ok when - wham, hit with a massive infection. Apparently the diabetes was uncontrolled so my body wasn't fighting the infection - no fever, no high white blood count.... so at first we didn't realize how bad off I was. But 2 emergency room visits and I was back in the hospital on IV antibiotics for 5 days. I endured a rather painful proceedure to drain the infection, but in the end all went well. I was on bedrest and light activity for the entire summer. Got a lot of reading done, finished the tatted snowflakes I was making for my Christmas cards, some other needlework projects - was actually kind of nice, but I didn't get away which I like to do during my vacation. Oh well....
I was cleared by the doctor the day before school started..... so much for my vacation.

This is now a challenging school year. More kids, More kids with issues (ADHD, English language learners, home issues affecting school, etc....) This is a really stressful class!
I find I am "shutting down." There are times I just freeze up and can't do anything productive. (Fortunately, not at school). I get to the end of my day and can't focus on what I need to do to prepare. I get home and can't figure out what to do next. I have simple items I need to do that I put off for no good reason. I feel overwhelmed.
This has happened before, and I find the best way out of it is to make a to do list and just work my way out of it. And give myself doses of rest.
Today I took care of a couple of those simple things that had been sitting in the que that I have avoided doing for no apparent reason. It felt good to get those off my plate.
I looked at the calendar and realize I have some holiday time coming up that will be days off of school, that should help too. I have taken some of my to do items and moved them to vacation or after holiday time because they do not have an immediate deadline.
My biggest problem is I generate a pretty large "I want to do" list where my "Have to do" list really is suppose to get priority. But if I don't do some of the want to do stuff, I will fall back into the zombie stage I was in before.
I wonder if some of my want to do stuff is compulsive behavior?
There has been a number of articles and references lately to hording as addictive behavior. I am a horder, though I have been getting much better. I am cleaning out closets and giving stuff away. I am looking at some of the stuff I bought for my classroom and practically assesing whether I will actually use them or not.
But when I want to do a project, sometimes I am quite compulsive about it. I get whims and fancies and buy up supplies, equipment and materials to do it -- but don't have the time.
I treat some things like a new obsessive hobby, when it really is only a whim.
Sometimes though I think I hold myself back. I don't make time or effort to do things -- maybe I'm afraid of failure or strangly afraid of accomplishment. Why would I do that?
Sometimes there are things I know I can do, but I won't do them because I feel like people will judge me or not appreciate me. But sometimes these are things that aren't being done for others - so why would I care? But I do... why? Why can't I just do them for the satisfaction of doing them for me?
But other times, I do just fine. I do things for my enjoyment and I do things as gifts for others that are appreciated. I guess it is a process. I think I'm getting better. I think I have emotional needs that are not being met, but I'm working around them.
I am a survivor. I know I am good at that.
Journal therapy begins again...

The end and the beginning

Wow - this has been a rollercoaster year.
I started this blog with the hope of opening up my creative side - and surprisingly, it worked.

Reflection -
I do feel like I have grown this year. I didn't finish the exploration nor journal destruction project, but I got moving in the right direction. I began the year feeling I was uncreative, or at least very stifled. I now recognize that creativity exists in each and every one of us. It just needs a venue to be expressed. It is ok to experiment with venues, it is ok to mimic others in the learning process. It's ok to try something new. It's ok to mess up as long as you don't quit trying. It's ok to decide, after trying, that a certain venue is not for you.
I found many wonderful people who were willing to share their creative spark in my journey.

The physical side of me was challenged this year. First the knee injury, then the discovery that I had diabetes. Physical Therapy side lined me for a little while, but got me moving in a better direction (no pun intented - helped me avoid surgery). Just as I completed the diabetes training and was getting that situation under control (weight loss and exercise - I was able to avoid medications), I was slammed again with the "C" word at my annual check up (supposed to be annual - I confess, it had been awhile). Biopsy and anxious waiting took me through my father's illness and death, to finally learn that the cells were benign. I did have a surgical proceedure designed to clean me up a bit - forced me to take a couple weeks off school in the process, but there are no immediate threats to my life now. I will be having another surgery this summer, but no imenent dangers or worries right now. Oh yeah - in the spirit of following up on long neglected health issues - I have an endocrinologist looking at my thyroid again. He is of the same opinion as the other - time to swallow the radioactive idodine and to onto perpetual medication. I'm not looking forward to this, but don't feel it is something I can put off any more.

The emotional me hit some difficult times, as you can imagine. My father's death was conflicting for me. There are unresolved issues, issues that can never be resolved no matter if he survived - but we were able to visit him one last time in a positive way. I don't think I got to grieve properly because I had concurrent health concerns of my own distracting me. I do occasionally break down in tears (like right now as I write this), but I suppose it is normal and will subside in time. My stepfather's death doesn't cause me to cry any more (at least not in quite a long time).

There were some big positives for this year - I began some serious weight loss, I got to travel to Europe with my daughter, we had a terrific end of the year Christmas get together with my family - and all my children were able to be there (2 surprising me in the process). I end the year energized, eager to work on some new projects, making more changes in a forward direction.
Where I had started the year feeling sluggish and bored, I now feel eager and bursting with ideas. I'm surprised by how one's emotional state can affect one's physical energy level.
My first project for the year - setting up my workroom. Actually, I've already started, so maybe it's the last project of the year.
I'm no longer waiting for my sons to move out (one keeps coming back), I've rented a storage space and am making room for me. With my son's help I put up one of the first wall cabinets today. I have two more to go. I have a work table set up and my sewing machine plugged in. I need to organize it (and finish getting Nick moved out), but it is happening.
How come the process of organizing is messier than the original mess was???
I really don't want to go back to work next week, I've got too much I want to get done! How long till I can retire?

Happy New (school) Year

A lot has happened since May.
I'm not posting my weight, not because it hasn't changed, but rather because it is making dramatic changes and I want to surprise family at holiday time. (more explaination below)

I've tested out a couple different venues, and am beginning to find my own path (though I'm keeping an open mind on possibilities).
My foray into administration was not successful, and I discover that I am not really ambitious to pursue that road anyway. So I'm still in the classroom this year - so far I'm slated to teach a 1/2 combination, but we will see what happens the first day of school. Kids are still enrolling.

I have not yet stepped into the theater relm, though we are going to see more productions now. I was kind of waiting to see where I landed for this school year before getting involved with any particular production group. I'm keeping that option open for now.

My health as been a major focus for this summer. After returning from Europe, I went to Eisenhower Medical Center for their diabetes training. Did the job of scaring me good and getting me on track. I was given a 1200 calorie diet to get my weight down - which caused me a weekend of raging, but I got my act together and have been good about watching what I eat. I also learned about carb levels, balancing them with protein - and how to make my meals effective. I now have my blood sugar under control and the weight it coming off quite satisfactorily. I can even indulge in goodies now and then (like chocolate cake tonite :D - and my blood sugar level is still in the ok range). I have more energy now and the other day I noticed I can do a couple things more comfortably then I had in the past. I still have a long ways to go, but I'm noticing the difference. The scale is giving me great news - numbers I haven't seen in years.
I am even discovering that I have it in me to be a clothes horse. I'm making notes on outfits I want to make and designs I want to work on. I'm discovering a hidden interest. (more on interests later)
I have had a minor surgery on my foot and had the other eye cataract removed. All of which have had me on a health care regime of medicines and self care practices so I've had to stay focused on taking care of myself. I've been spending a lot of time on me this summer - kind of different, and refreshing.

I've been thinking alot about what it is that I am really interested in. As I explore what personal directions I'd like to go in my life, I find that I like too many things. I can easily get interested in just about any activity or hobby other people have, and there just isn't time to pursue them all. There isn't even time to pursue all the things I am personally interested in. I find that I need to sort out what is really my individual interests and what is just a passing fancy. Like painting. I thought I was really interested in learning to paint. I have some ideas in mind for some great paintings I'd like to do. But I have canvass, brushes and paints - and I'm not painting. I've dabbled in a few things, but have not really gotten into it. Partly because I don't know what I'm doing. Maybe I need to take a class to get this thing going? Or maybe this is an area that isn't really me. I like art, I appreciate art - but maybe it isn't me to create art. (I'll still plan on taking a class to explore this area though)
And film. I have enjoyed making some films in the past, but now that I have a decent video camera of my own and software on my computer - I'm not doing anything with it. I watch Nick in his production work and think that is the kind of thing I ought to be doing.... but I'm not. I find right now that I need to push myself into doing it. So does that mean it isn't a real interest of mine. Maybe (I'm not getting rid of the camera, I'm still considering opportunties to make films that will suit my purposes)
I wonder if I am a chameleon. I adapt and mimic those around me, without knowing what is really me. I've been thinking about what kinds of things I have been interested in that I have not seen others around me do. Like my lacemaking and historical skills (weaving, spinning, etc...) Those I pursued on my own, but have had to put aside because of time constraints of raising a family and working full time. (or were those excuses?)
I've picked up the tatting again and materials for other lacemaking. I need to make time for these things in my life, so am finding venues for expressing them.
I guess that is really the key to determining my real interests, finding the way to express them for myself.
Which actually fullfills part of what this blog was originally about - developing my creative side.
What I am trying to do now as I come across various tasks, is to ask myself -- how can I do this using my other interests, talents or skills -- how can I make this a way to express myself.

I'm rearranging the furniture in my classroom. Trying to set it up more efficiently. Trying to cull the junk and use the storage more effectively. One of my projects is bulletin boards. I decided that instead of punching letters out of construction paper, or printing signs off the computer, I will try making some of the labels more interesting. I picked up some perky scrapbook papers and will try using those for some of the letters. I'll need to back them with black construction paper and laminate them so they will last. Maybe I'll get carried away and use some of the scrapbook paper to make the kids' name tags too........ this could get interesting. I'm also thinking of a film to make for math class. Do I have time to put together a film for back to school night???? (an animation????)
This could be a really fun year. :D